A Psalm and a Song

Okay...gonna go ahead and write up something I learned this last week. (Yeah...3 posts in one day may be excessive...but this isn't all I've done today...I promise :P. ) When I write this...I'm not trying to instruct, just share and maybe it will help me get my thoughts organized sometimes.
Anyways, for the last few weeks I've been feeling distanced from God. I've gone through times like this many times before. One time to the point that I questioned if Christ was really real or not. Every time I go through this kind of time, it's very scary. As a Christian, you want to not only know you are close to God, but you want to feel it too. Since we can't see Him in physical form.
This time, I didn't doubt God's existence at all. Instead, I doubted my salvation at first...then I didn't doubt that as much as start thinking that I must be doing something wrong and God has pushed me away from Him or I've pushed Him away from me.
I tried to think what I might be doing wrong. I examined my actions and over all way of living. I couldn't find anything that indicated that I was living in sin, though I know I sin...I didn't see anything in my life that was an ongoing sin that is the kind that distances you from Christ. I got very scared and confused. It wasn't a glaring issue like it has been before...it was more of a nagging knowledge that something wasn't right in my life and I didn't know what. If I knew what...I could fix it and it would be taken care of.
But since I didn't know what...I gradually slipped back into my natural state of control freak. I remembered the verse "Seek and you will find." So I started seeking. I had read my Bible every day for a while now, but I started reading it three or four, sometimes five or six times a day. I memorized scripture, any time I began to wonder if something was God-honoring, I didn't even think through it before I'd stop whatever it was...a movie, something I was reading or doing etc. I can't say that I prayed more than I did before...but I prayed differently. I started "giving all the glory to God" more and more by actually saying it. I pretty much became a slave to working for my salvation.
All of that could be good...but for me...it was empty. Because all I was doing was going through the motions. I started slipping into believing I could do something that would bring God closer to me. I thought that if I fought tooth and nail with Him "for" Him, I would grab Him and bring Him close enough for me to feel Him again. Yes...I should have sought...and when I started doing all that I did, I  may have been seeking. But as I continued, I see now that I began to think that I could earn God's love. That if I kept doing enough, saying enough and thinking enough...He would hear me and accept me back into His presence.
I was fighting every single day...I can't say I was fighting with God, but I was not stopping to listen to Him, wait on Him and rest in Him. A while ago I memorized Psalm 130 in which is the verse that says, "I wait for the Lord, my soul waits and in His word I hope. My soul waits for the Lord more than watchmen for the morning, more than watchmen for the morning." I quoted that chapter in my mind a dozen or more times a day...and I still missed it. I "took comfort" in it and said, "yes...see? I'm waiting for the Lord more than watchmen for the morning." When the truth was...I was more like a watchman who tries to spin the world around to get morning to arrive sooner.
It was coming to a peak and starting to get more than I could bear when my sister and I house sat the Bed and Breakfast last weekend. Em was gone for the day and I was sitting on the sectional, writing and listening to the Christian music station on TV. I felt that pang of guilt as I was writing, so I put my computer aside and picked up my Bible and opened it to Psalms. I ended up flipping it open to Psalm 103 and I read it, then put it down and went back to my writing, not really thinking too much about what I had just read.
Only a few minutes (it may even have been a few seconds, I can't remember) a song by Casting Crowns came on TV. I love Casting Crowns...their one of my favorite groups and recognized the music, but it wasn't one I listened to much, so I looked up to see what the title was. It was their song called "East to West." I had heard it only once before and didn't like it. I found it depressing for some reason and didn't want to hear it. But then, as it was playing, I found myself relating to almost every single word in just the first verses. Then I heard the line in the song that says, "But today I feel like I'm just one mistake away from You leaving me this way." And that line hit home so hard that I started crying. I didn't lose it...just got choked up as I thought about that and how true it was for me right then. I was fighting so hard to please God and it just felt like I wasn't doing enough. I was terrified of making one wrong move...I was scared of making a single mistake because I thought God would leave me in the pit of loneliness without Him.
And then the chorus came on...
"Jesus, can You show me just how far the east is from the west
'cause I can't bear to see the man I've been come rising up in me again
In the arms of Your mercy I find rest
'cause You know just how far the east is from the west
From one scarred hand to the other."
It's really a beautiful chorus that a lot of people can connect to, I think. Past mistakes coming back to haunt you...wanting to know how far the east IS from the west etc. And I related to it in those aspects...but then I remembered the Psalm that I had just read. And a verse that I had glided right over without a second thought...

"As far as the east is from the west,

    so far does he remove our transgressions from us."

When I remembered that...and I honestly don't know how I remembered it because I didn't  even think about it when I read it, and made the connection that that was the Psalm I read just before the CC song came on...that's when I lost it and had to put my computer aside to have a good, solid, long cry. 

Because...it was then that I saw and realized...the truth is...we can't earn God's love and we won't. We won't ever, ever be able to earn His love or do anything to come into His favor and presence. And we don't have to. Because HE is the one who removes our transgressions as far as the east is from the west. Not us...we can't do one single thing...and again...we don't have to because He already did all that needs to be. FOR us.  

Then, the bridged played next. "I know You've washed me white, turned my darkness into light. I need Your peace to get me through, to get me through this night. I can't live by what I feel, but by the truth Your word reveals. I'm not holding on to You, but You're holding on to me, You're holding on to me"

 The truth of the verse rang clearly in my mind as I continued making the connection between the Psalm and the song. 

By the time the last chorus rolled around I was completely, completely overwhelmed and couldn't move because I was so awestruck by how God was working and showing me what He was.

The final chorus says:
"Jesus, You know just how far the east is from the west
I don't have to see the man I've been come rising up in me again
In the arms of Your mercy I find rest
'cause You know just how far the east is from the west
From one scarred hand to the other
One scarred hand to the other
From one scarred hand to the other" 

A song that I used to not like at all and didn't want to hear, instantly became a key symbol in my life. God used it to show me that I don't have to work to earn His pleasure...because I can't. And I don't have to.
And then the next day at Church our pastor gave a message...not on the verse in Psalm 103...but he basically said what I needed to hear to just drive home the point that God was working and showing me the truth in this area.  
And I know that I still need to work for Christ and do the right things to honor and glorify Him. But that doesn't mean it's right to think that I am doing any of it to earn God's favor or love so that I can feel Him. Because, while feeling Him is great, we don't always have to have the warm fuzzies to know and believe that He is near and He is and has removed our sins as far as the east is from the west.
So...I guess that went longer than I meant it to...just something that happened and I kinda wanted to write it down...for me to be able to look at in a somewhat organized fashion, than anything else.

Here's the song if you haven't heard it. I highly recommend it now. ;)

Last Weekend (I know...profound, right?)

Okay! So...last weekend Emily house-sat at the usual Bed and Breakfast. I have decided that I love this place. I mean...really, really love it. It may be my favorite place to be when I'm not home. Sounds kind of funny, but there's something about it that's so peaceful to me. Every single room has a beeeautiful view and there are a ton of windows...it's very open...the property is ammmazing. I would very much try to buy it if I could. :P Then I could paint and decorate it how I liked and it would be perfect. *nods* For me at least. I doubt many like my taste in decorating. :P
We were only there for the weekend this time and Em had to go to work on Saturday, so I stayed and took care of the dogs. There are five french bull dogs and two mixed breeds, as I've mentioned in earlier posts.
Normally I go for a long, long walk (I make it long by stopping and sitting in hidden places for a while), but I didn't get to this time. :( 
I tried to finish writing my novel that day, but it didn't work like I'd hoped. Dawgon last few chapters gave me SUCH a hard time. :/ But...my novel IS completed now. And...to be honest, I'm kinda bummed about it. Don't like how it turned out. But! I've been trying to finish a novel since I was about 10...so just finishing a book is huge for me and hopefully it will make the next ones (Yep...got plans for the next few) easier to get done.
Trying to remember if there is anything else... *ponders* I don't think so. Hmmm...seems like there is...but I can't remember. :P
Anyways! Hope everyone is having a SUPER day! :D :D I am...I mean...I finished my novel, I'm reading another awesome novel that I've wanted to finish reading, I'm listening to an epic list of some of my favorite epic songs...and my favorite days of the week are just around the corner. :D
Be sure to smile and shine for Christ no matter where you are. :D

Wonder how the floor tastes.

This is Oscar, the towel rack pig. (I named him)

This is Oscar the bowl holding frog. (I named him too.)

This is Oscar the decorative chicken. (I don't know who named him....so I just called him Oscar. even if I think it's a hen, actually...)

This is Oscar the...oh wait...that's Emily! The...uhhh...water feeling awesome sister. (I assure you...her I did not name.)

Okay...sunset the first night I HAD to get some pictures. Can you get why I love this place so much?

Some people believe that all clouds have silver linings...mine have GOLDEN ones! :D 

Makes me think of Psalm 19:1

This reminds me of Aslan's country. P:

Oscar the stone angel. ... ... ...

I don't think I am supposed to be taking a picture...

I love to put a cheesy voice on and say... "There's no time like country time!" And it's TRUE. I can't have real lemonade because of my allergies...but this stuff tastes better anyways. :P

You know what this means, right? Yep...I'm about to write.

Think I look tired? This was the morning...you should have seen me the next morning at 1:00 when I was trying to finish my book. :P  (Garsh...my cheeks look chubby too 0.0 )

Before it is smoldering...good little lap top. Old and ugly...but it serves me well. *nods*

I found a station on TV that plays modern Christian music ALL DAY LONG!!! :D :D I was SO excited. Emily said it was in the 900's so I flipped through and it was on 975. That was really easy to remember for some reason.

*hugs music*

Willie was hardly inspiring... *cough* Cute dog though.

The entire day I was sitting near this epic stone fireplace...had to get a picture. It's a very sturdy looking fireplace, isn't it?

Wow...my book must be boring if he fell asleep right on my outline!

This...is Ollie. Enough said...moving on...

This is Zippy! I happen to love this dog! :D She's not Em's fav...but I love her. ^_^

And then the next morning, Em and I got ready for church at the B&B and headed home before going to church.

Aren't we cleva? :P

Ze Quest...whoops

So...my quest. Well, it was to finish my novel last Saturday. And no...I did not succeed. I did try...wrote allllll day long and got over 9,000 words done. The reason I got so little written was because I was having a hard time with two of the chapters I wrote. So...yeah...didn't quite make it. It was about 1:00 a.m. Emily had been a asleep for a while and I was sitting on the sectional in the Bed and Breakfast's living room, trying to finish the book. I knew I'd be awake 'till at least 3:00 if I did and church was the next day and I had not slept well at all the night before...and I didn't want to fall asleep during church. :P (Not that I would have anyways...the message was amazing and kept me captivated...maybe more on that in another post.) And...I have been trying to get into better sleeping habits. :P So...that combined with the fact that I was writing my showdown and falling asleep...it just didn't happen.
However! I am sitting here in my living room, getting ready to upload pictures from the weekend while I write. 1 and 1/3 of a chapter left...and I can hardly believe it! :D :D :D Seriously. 0.0 I've been trying to write a novel for almost my whole life. :P And I'm trying to decide if I should write up a post about something that happened to me Saturday that had to do with a Psalm, a song that "randomly" came on the radio, the message at church the next day and a realization...*ponders*
Anyways...oh! I watched Black Hawk Down for the first time last night. GREAT movie. Of course there's a bit more language than I care for...and some of it is pretty bloody. But, the movie is very, very well made and extremely accurate. Dad was in the Army when that actual event happened and he knew the real pilot who flew the Little Bird down and landed at the second crash site. It's so funny watching movies like that because Dad actually took part in things like that as a pilot. It's really scary and amazing and makes the movies more suspenseful and real feeling for me to just think of Dad doing that stuff. I admit that I did turn my head once during the movie...Emily is insisting that that means I didn't actually watch the movie, but I think I did. :P This movie is a big deal around our house for the "older ones". I've heard about it for as long as I can remember so it was cool to finally watch it. 8-) And yes...kept me quite captivated the whole time. I tend to do better watching movies at night with Em in her room. Don't feel like I need to do other things as much then...even if I still can't keep my mind from wandering some every now and then. :P
Anyways! I'm off to finish my novel. Left my poor main characters in a terrible spot and all but ignored them yesterday.
So! Hope y'all are having a wonderful, wonderful day! Be sure to SMILE! And Shine for Christ no matter where you are. :D

My Quest

Okay, so tomorrow I will be here at the huge, empty bed and breakfast all by my lonesome...with 5 French Bulldogs and 2 mix-breed dogs. And I have decided on a quest for the day. It is honestly a crazy, perhaps insane quest...but that is my specialty.
What is this quest? I'm not going to tell you. :P I will say, however, that it involves sitting. All. Day. Long. Yep. Good thing I have a new thing of lemonade mix and a goodly supply of my chewing gum. I think I will rather enjoy this attempt. Yes. *grins* I will. :) I've set my mind on it pretty hard now.
I only hope I can succeed. If I work hard, I will. And I'm gonna luv it. 8-) Yes, this is completely innocent ( :P ) and highly productive.
Okay...I'm excited now! :D
Okie dokie... :D :D
Let's see if I can do this. If I do...I'll be sure to post. If I don't...I may or may not post. :P
Y'all have a GREAT day tomorrow! Be sure to smile and shine...no matter where you are! :)
God is good and life is truly...truly beautiful. :)

IT'S MINE!!!

I had listened to this song a few months ago...and loved it...but I just listened to it again today while I was peeling potatoes or something ( :P ) and realized it's perfect for my blog! :D :D
So...sorry folks...I decided this is my song. Yep. Mine. I claim things that I have no right to sometimes...*nods*
I've always loved the group...even though they made no sense...but now they've made a couple songs that DO make sense and I'm thrilled. Tempted to get the album actually. I'm long overdue for a new album...

Anyways...here's the my song. :D
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4ROX1ajxRQY

There are BEASTS in the house!

 It stormed really, really badly here today. Had the tops of trees falling off and all. Well...turns out my fearless guard dog is a chicken when it comes to storms. :P He and Katie ran in the house, rather pitifully, and Mom said they could stay inside and wait the storm out. 0.0 So...they did...and now that they are back outside...every time we open the door they come running back in. :/ :P

Anyways...I didn't really have anything else to blog today. I was too tired or busy or lazy (I'll let you decide) to remember to take pictures of other stuff...so here's a few pictures of the dawgs. Not that I have to blog every day...at all. But...uhhh...here's pictures anyways. :P

Hope everyone is having a wonderful day in this gloriously, beautifully, epic life! :D

In my room between a pile of towels and my closet...I would have cleaned up if I had known I'd be having such a distinguished guest. :P

Luther on the left and Katie on the right

Movie night with Brotha! :D

Last night Micah and I watched Kingdom of Heaven for the first time. It's a movie not fitting for kids, so Dad let us go to Micah's room and watch it on his computer.  It was actually a really, really good movie. Aside from some moral mess ups and one scene that needs to be skipped...it was awesome. :-D Rather...uhhh...bloody...but in the words of Miracle Max "I've seen worse." :P
I actually sat for the entire movie...and didn't get bored. 0.0 Of course I did have PJ with me and played with him some. :P I admit that I watched most of the battle scenes by peeking over my pillow... :-P
It was a lot of fun and one of the few good movies I've seen in a long time. Dad had told me over and over...aaand over ( :P ) that it was an "Epic movie!". And I have to admit it really was. It was a pretty accurate film about the crusades, starring Orlando Bloom (one of my fav actors :D. ) The battle scenes were great...though bloody...and almost all of the acting was amazing...the story line was great and complex but not to the point that it gave you a headache. :P The aspect of the religion from back then was accurate for the most part from what I can tell and what I discussed with Dad.
The main issue that I had with the movie was that it showed the idea of a "universal god." in the sense that all gods are God. They came across as saying that Allah and Christ Jesus are both God for whoever chooses to believe in whichever they choose. I would have to watch the movie again to completely understand the circle of religion that they had going on, but there were some parts of it that were very good.
One of my favorite characters was actually the king who was a leper. He wasn't in the movie a ton...but the parts that he was in were amazing. His whole demeanor and his heart and love for the people more than for himself was amazing.
Anyways...I actually enjoyed the movie and would recommend it with some cautions attached.
And! It was a ton of fun to hang out with my epic bro. 8-)

That there is Liam Neeson. :D

 Micah all geared up for the movie that we have heard about forever. :P Quite the...uhhh...look he has going on, huh? :P

Micah and Me. (Could you have guessed?)

Ever notice how the warnings are on for too long, you can't fast forward them...but they aren't up long enough for you to actually read them? I noticed that. I did. Yes.

Micah let me wear his Chevy Racing Hat. :D Now, this may look like just and old, beat up, overly worn hat...but let me tell you...around here this hat may as well be made of gold. So even for me, as his sister, to get to wear it is something. And you can see how thrilled I am. :P

Poor Legolas. :'( Yes...of course...I was quoting Legolas at the most inopportune points of the movie. :P

Micah...ummm...eating.

And...we shall end with a picture I took of the movie.

Swimming and such

 As soon as Dad and Mum returned with the little kiddos, some of them ran and got dressed to swim. And...after they were done getting ready to swim...they...swam! :-D

On the way out I saw Mom and Lydia getting their horses out to work with them.

You see that shiny red thing? That's some of the remnants of the van decorating. I don't quite know how it happened...but we are finding pieces of this stuff everywhere! :P

Da Pa

Naomi...splashing

Abby...not splashing

Okay...NOW Abby is splashing

Naomi climbing the slide with the swim mask on her...knee? *shakes head* The strange things kids do these days.

"What's wrong with these things?! My knee can't see anything through them!"

George, Alfred and Patsy. Okay...so that's not their names. But it seemed unoriginal to just say "Micah, Dad and Abby."

Oscar. (Okay...I know that's not right...)

"I will be rising from the ground! Like a skyyyscraper!" (Or "I will be rising from the water! Like small minion!" Cheesy right? :D )

"You don't know what we're talking about." ~~ "Dragonflies?"

A fig. I'll name him...Sue.

Then they all got out of the pool. See?

Rather cute, don't you think? Of course you do.

The inside of a bush. Can I get any more rrrandom?! :D

LOOK! Dat boy IS smiling now!! :D

Dad found a tiny skink and came out to show us.

"IT'S SO FLUFFY!"

I wonder how it would taste with salt. I guess we will never know because the smart thing escaped. *sigh*

Oh...and on a slightly random note...I can't see waves or large amounts of water without thinking of this song. (Can you tell that music is always on my mind? :P ) Maybe it's because of the picture on the vid. Maybe... :P

http://youtu.be/V8FYVAdGyS8